# Parents won't accept us moving to Oz



## anitalund

Hi

I guess I want someone to tell me I'm doing the right thing. My husband has his dream job in Sydney, an offer we couldn't refuse. He's there now. We are going to follow when my sons visa comes through. The problem is my mother. She will not accept it. My dad died in July last year and she is 77 and on her own without any other children. I feel so bad and have spent hours and hours trying to make a decision. My husband feels that we have to make the decision for our children and that she has had her life and can visit. We have lots of things in place for her if she wants to support us, I can fly back to the UK (paid for) and collect her for visits to us up to 3 times per year (she is unfamiliar with air travel). She has a tablet for Skype, she can get to the supermarket. The problem is she is not very independent, doesn't drive, is not good at making friends although we have a strong community for older people where we live, and has relied on my dad and then me to do things for her. it's almost like she doesn't want to be independent because it's hard work. She has said that when we go it will be goodbye for good and she could never do the long flight. The emotional blackmail is terrible, she even said to my 10 yr old that he wouldn't be able to see her if he went and what about if he didn't like his new school? The kids will all have a private education which we couldn't afford in the UK plus lots of other things I won't go into. I feel we need to give it a shot but I so wish my mum would understand and try to be part of it. Any advice appreciated.


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## jmcd16

Sometimes it's harder to do what's right for you then it is to do what the people you love want you to do. If you really think Oz is what's best, then you have to stick to your guns.


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## Editor

This is probably the nightmare situation for any expat looking to move to pastures new. I think you need to try and site down with you mother and explain that she means everything to you but this is something you need to do for your family for the future.

The danger here is that you don't go and it puts pressure on your marriage but if you go you will always wonder if you did the right thing. I hope it all works out but I would say that you need to be selfish and think of yourself sometimes. Skype, direct flights, etc are relatively cheap these days so that should n't really be a major problem.


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## jmcd16

You could always start the process to apply for her immigration as well... I think that takes a long time because its capped... But you could at least offer it.


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## Editor

Hi Jmcd

That is a great idea as the members mother will feel more involved.


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## anitalund

jmcd16 said:


> You could always start the process to apply for her immigration as well... I think that takes a long time because its capped... But you could at least offer it.


Not an option, she says she won't visit let alone move there, I can't even persaude her to apply for a passport. Whenever I raise the subject or if my son does she clams up and changes the subject.


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## Boboa

Look sometimes a time comes when you need to start thinking about yourself and your family. It seems to me you gave her numerous options, support and got nothing back. 

Parents need to realize that they can't always control their children and that they need to be flexible.

This is not an immigration advice


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## louiseb

Anitalund, Oh my you are going through this emotional pull that i am still going through, i actually did make the move to Australia 8 weeks ago. Although im finding it hard i am persevering with the move. 

Both my parents decided that they wanted to move to Malta where im from so they upped sticks from the UK and they moved in the apartment which was built for them above me, now although we didnt live in each others pockets my parents were reliant on me for certain things, ok new country not sure of the places to go to ect ect, so when the time came for me to inform them i was moving to Australia it was as if i had swept the floor from under there feet, they were devastated, i had the " we only came here for you bla bla bla", plus i had what "would we do if something went wrong were would we go," Huni i know what your going through as i had it and im still receiving it, My parents for the last 7 weeks before my departure didnt speak to me at all they totally cut themselves off from me, the day we flew out i went up to say goodbye and they,d left in the morning they hadnt even said goodbye to me they just didnt bother, My mum ( i later found out) had informed the tenant that without us there she cannot cope, my tenant informed me that she is down depressed ect, i checked this information and more people have confirmed this. The thing is i know my mum is using emotional blackmail toward me, i know she wants me there to benefit her needs not mine hers, i feel like crap every day here because i dont stop worrying about my parents, i think of me leaving them there alone even though i know she has friends i still feel like crap, and to be honest i put this down to the reason i cannot settle here, i just feel lousy i cannot enjoy myself in Australia because i know that 27 hours away is my parents sulking, the worst of it is my mother was in the same situation years and years ago she could have come over to Australia but because of her mother she didnt, i know she holds it against her but she didnt make the move she says because she knew it wasnt fair. Now thats suppose to make me feel good, honey its hard its very hard, you will feel sad depressed even when you come but only you can make the right choice, if i was you i would suggest splitting the months maybe 3 months here and 1 month in the UK with your mum, even suggest staying with her for the 1 month and see how she has coped in the 3 months your here, if you find her well then you know she will be fine if not then you have to re think your plans maybe. Give it a go even just for the first few months. 
Good luck 
If you want a private chat them pm me i really know what your going through.

Louiseb


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## Dexter

The brutal reality is... time to grow up and steer your own life into the direction you chose and not what your parents would like you to choose.


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## louiseb

Dexter said:


> The brutal reality is... time to grow up and steer your own life into the direction you chose and not what your parents would like you to choose.


I couldnt agree more Dexter hence i moved here, but my heart aches i feel as though i have left them both in limbo, i dont want to upset my husband by telling him i want to go home after all the money we have spent trying to get here lol, but my heart is heavy with the thoughts of "what if" i do miss them terrible even though i didnt get on with my mum i miss her and my father terribly.


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## jmcd16

anitalund said:


> Not an option, she says she won't visit let alone move there, I can't even persaude her to apply for a passport. Whenever I raise the subject or if my son does she clams up and changes the subject.


I doubt it will take her long to change her mind once she realizes you aren't changing yours and she hasn't seen her grandson for months. Right now she is desperate for this change not to happen so she's throwing out all the stops. Or at least, I hope so because that's the only excuse I can think of for trying to scare your son about moving...


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## louiseb

jmcd 
this is true what your saying but as i said earlier it doesnt stop us from feeling like crap lol what you are saying is so true and i couldnt agree more BUT when we speak to our parents over the phone/skype ect they seem to be miserable and sad and always asking the same question or making the same statement, " when am i going to see the children, when are you bringing them over" it is emotional black mail and it stinks but hey thats parents for you, some accept and some dont, like you said they will get used to the idea but there always that heart ache we feel, just thinking about this makes me feel i have let my parents down. Your advice is good and so true but it doesnt stop us hurting and worryng and thats the draw back thats what stops us from fully enjoying this wonderful country. If only they would say " its ok darling i,ll be ok" but they dont.

Louiseb


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## Dexter

My parents accepted my decision 10 years ago to move here. I had a bit of problem for the first year or two with them saying "wish you were here" and so on but as the time went it stopped.

Besides, they are now aware that I will never come back. My life is here, my wife is here (and she is an immigrant too) and my son was born and will grow up here. All my financial assets and investments are here and all my professional experience is also from here. It would be illogical to even consider going back... I would consider getting my parents down here but my mother does not get along well with my wife.


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## louiseb

Dexter, if your parents come for a holiday then grit your teeth lol. if they come over to live here then rent them a place some where, its sad when your partner is not liked by family members it always makes things a little tricky.


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## jmcd16

louiseb said:


> jmcd
> this is true what your saying but as i said earlier it doesnt stop us from feeling like crap lol what you are saying is so true and i couldnt agree more BUT when we speak to our parents over the phone/skype ect they seem to be miserable and sad and always asking the same question or making the same statement, " when am i going to see the children, when are you bringing them over" it is emotional black mail and it stinks but hey thats parents for you, some accept and some dont, like you said they will get used to the idea but there always that heart ache we feel, just thinking about this makes me feel i have let my parents down. Your advice is good and so true but it doesnt stop us hurting and worryng and thats the draw back thats what stops us from fully enjoying this wonderful country. If only they would say " its ok darling i,ll be ok" but they dont.
> 
> Louiseb


With the exception of kids in the picture, I know how you feel. I'm here now with my folks, but have been gone for 3 years. They weren't thrilled when I left and are pretty sad that I'm now moving to make it permanent.

But, like I said - even when it tears you up... Sometimes you have to do what's best for you.


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## Dexter

> Dexter, if your parents come for a holiday then grit your teeth lol.


My mother won't... She cannot stand a 1 hour flight and to Australia she would need to endure 3 flights, two of them average of 10 hours.

My father had been invited long time ago but he wants to retire first before coming over.


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## louiseb

jmcd16 said:


> With the exception of kids in the picture, I know how you feel. I'm here now with my folks, but have been gone for 3 years. They weren't thrilled when I left and are pretty sad that I'm now moving to make it permanent.
> 
> But, like I said - even when it tears you up... Sometimes you have to do what's best for you.


Couldnt agree more with you, it does tear us up but like you said we have to do whats best for us


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## louiseb

Dexter said:


> My mother won't... She cannot stand a 1 hour flight and to Australia she would need to endure 3 flights, two of them average of 10 hours.
> 
> My father had been invited long time ago but he wants to retire first before coming over.


Dexter were is your mum flying from? Poor women 3 flights and over 20 hours jeez thats bad i thought i had it bad flying from Malta 27 hours, with only a 2 hour stop off at dubai and even then we arrived late so it was a case of FIFO ahhh im sounding like an Australian already how cool is that.


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## Ephestion

yeah 

And realise your grown-up decision, will produce inferior qualifications for your children. Small sacrifice to pay for leaving your ancestral home dumping the only person who stood by you, and all for the grown up decision of having a swimming pool and a large TV.

Material vs Culture. traditions and family.

Materials will win.


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## Lindaa

Ephestion said:


> yeah
> 
> And realise your grown-up decision, will produce inferior qualifications for your children. Small sacrifice to pay for leaving your ancestral home dumping the only person who stood by you, and all for the grown up decision of having a swimming pool and a large TV.
> 
> Material vs Culture. traditions and family.
> 
> Materials will win.


It's obvious from your other threads that you are very bitter about something, ephestion, but there is no need to lash out at other members in this forum and what they're going through. You obviously have no advice, support or experiences to contribute to this thread.


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## Ephestion

What do you want me to do? Lie and cuddle her?

Blunt reality is most people don't need to migrate, just like they don't need a house with a swimming pool and a large TV. How is that not contributing to the conscious?

I can understand people leaving a place because they have no chance of living a reasonable life. But most of the people here have sold estates, inherited wealth and then migrate and spend it in Australia. Hardly a victim of circumstances, or anything deserving a pat on the back in empathy. 

You can consider me the guy who ended up in Australia by accident and can't leave due to family etc. If I have any advise it would be, think twice and for a very long time before migrating anywhere.


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## Lindaa

There is need to lie or cuddle, nor to insinuate that she has moved to Australia simply to get a house with a swimming pool. When in fact you know very little about someone else's reason for migrating. In fact, there is no need for you to comment at all when all you have are rude remarks.

That you believe people should not migrate unless they have no chance of a reasonable life in their home country is fine, and no one is stopping you from starting a discussion on such issues. I just react when all you do is judge and act as If you hold the only right view or answer to an issue.

EDIT: That was supposed to say NO need to lie or cuddle...


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## chicken999

It really sounds like he hates it here? But why? Australia is what u make it. A great country friendly people beautiful weather why so bitter?

Sent from my iPad using Australia


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## Dexter

> I can understand people leaving a place because they have no chance of living a reasonable life.


Reasonable life is a relative matter... For some people reasonable life will mean having something to eat and a place to sleep. For others having a bunch of properties and sports cars.


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## blackink

*Should I go or should I stay*

Our son went to Oz Central Coast with his partner and granddaughter in 2004 I suppose I felt like your mum at the time and pretty much said what she said. My wife persuaded me to go on holiday in 2007 and I realised what a brilliant place it is to live. When I returned I looked at the possibility of retiring there but financially it is beyond our reach. However I did persuade my daughter it was the place to be and she emigrated last January and I am so pleased for her. I now have my two children living in Oz and all 3 of our grand children.
Yes we miss them like crazy. I have visited 4 times and my wife 5 times I am convinced it was the right decision for them to go. 
My children are all adults and capable of making their own decisions and I am sure you are to, you must make the decision that is best for you and your family , it may happen you mum will change her mind.
I hope it all works out for you


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## shingle

blackink said:


> Our son went to Oz Central Coast with his partner and granddaughter in 2004 I suppose I felt like your mum at the time and pretty much said what she said. My wife persuaded me to go on holiday in 2007 and I realised what a brilliant place it is to live. When I returned I looked at the possibility of retiring there but financially it is beyond our reach. However I did persuade my daughter it was the place to be and she emigrated last January and I am so pleased for her. I now have my two children living in Oz and all 3 of our grand children.
> Yes we miss them like crazy. I have visited 4 times and my wife 5 times I am convinced it was the right decision for them to go.
> My children are all adults and capable of making their own decisions and I am sure you are to, you must make the decision that is best for you and your family , it may happen you mum will change her mind.
> I hope it all works out for you


And for Ephestion, thoughts such as the above are the reasons that we uproot ourselves from all we have known & loved in our home countries- to be with our children who have made that choice but need some family with them- as good a reason as any for those of us who are up for the change & challenge. I will be taking a child with me who will complete his education in Australia & I don't worry about it being inferior to the UK system (have you been in some of our schools? the total teaching time per day is minimal anyway- I could teach him myself in 3 hrs a day or get a tutor) The Vocational options are there also- it appears to be a better system than ours in that respect (it's all relative)

As for the remarks about bigger houses/TV's etc what nonsense. I and I'm sure many emigrating parents will lose our homes over this choice & have to rent. So what in the scheme of things- it's not about possessions, it's about family. And those who don't choose this expensive & quicker route can opt for the 103, & visit regularly if they choose while waiting to go/ making sure it's what they truly want to do. Ephestion, if you need to talk about your own real issues, people are always willing to listen- don't just take it out on others who appear successful in bringing their dreams to fruition. It's never easy, as people here can testify, however much you want something to work .We all have our own private heartaches.


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## Nelly87

I can't really say anything that will make you feel better. It's just hard, no matter what.

I'm daddy's little girl and daddy only has one little girl. He is 62 and had heart problems last year during my first year in Australia. It's never easy. There is no right answer. He didn't want me to go at first. Sometimes I think he still wants me to come back.

You can talk yourself into this, or into that - I can tell myself I'll visit, he'll visit, we'll Skype, nothing bad will happen. The truth is you never know until you do actually regret it. I dread the day I lose him - presuming my visa is granted I will still be with my partner in Australia - and I will have to face the possibility that not only do I regret not seeing him more, I'll be reminded of it by my stepmother. That is the risk I took. Life isn't fair and some decisions are just goddamn tough and you CAN'T win. I chose what I felt was my only choice - go with the man I love. 

The only thing that comforts me about this, with both my parents, is this - I tell them every week how much I miss them and love them, I tell them every time that I hope they know I want to be part of their lives even if I'm not right there, I tell them that I never want them to feel like I am not with them because I always am. The more I say it the more I believe they know I'm always pulling them closer with my heart. And maybe when something bad does happen they'll feel that and they won't feel they're without me and I won't feel as bad. Or maybe I will. Like I said - can't win, just have to pick your poison and deal with it the best way you know how. 

Now that I'm in Australia they both realize this is best for me and they are truly happy for me. But if they ever say they need me there I'll be there in a heartbeat. That's a big condition in the relationship between my partner and myself - if he's in The Netherlands and his family needs him, we fly him over; if I'm in Australia and my family needs me, I fly over. Our families support this both emotionally and financially. 

You can only make the best of it and be honest with yourself and your loved ones. Give your mother some time to come around and then see how YOU feel.


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## ashleigh

It's your life, and you have to live it your way. Your mother's need for company shouldn't be a reason to give up your dream job and life. Parents need to realise that there is so much that you can make your children do, and sacrificing their future for you is not one of them  A long time ago, my grandfather was also strictly against my mum studying in Australia. If we had listened to him, I don't know what we would be now.


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